Some Simple Steps to Make Us All Safer

In a just issued earth shaking report we all learn that the new gun to fear is not the assault weapon or the Saturday night special. No...it's the Nail Gun.

Well taking a page out of the progressive gun abolitionist's handbook, I have a couple of remedies that deal with the problems of dangerous weapons (things that kill most people) in our society.

• All hammers and nails must require a safety training certificate before they can be purchased. Nail guns must not be larger than 12" and must be registered.
• All butcher knives must be sold with a plastic sheath. The knife must emit a high decibel alarm if the sheath is not placed on the knife within 15 minutes of its removal from the knife.
• All rope sold in lengths under 3 feet must be registered as potential strangulation devices.
• All baseball bats not made of foam rubber must be certified to break into at least three equal pieces if they strike an object weighing more that 10 pounds.
• All sales of scissors, axes, letter openers must be hit with a 10% potential weapon tax.
• All blunt objects that can be held in the hand and potential thrown or used as a weapon must be be taxed at the rate of 5%.
  
• Cars, Trucks, Buses and any other motor vehicle must have a collision detector installed that automatically applies the breaks and stops the engine if an object is detected within 100 feet of its forward direction where the object is determined to be larger than 1 cubic foot in size.
• Liquor, wine and beer can only be sold if the purchaser certifies that they will not be driving a vehicle or operating any heavy equipment within 3 hours of ingesting the product.
  

Now I think we are making some progress!